I let my self loathing destroy us.

I'm not sure where it went wrong, why I couldn't just talk and open up, especially when I look back at the times I did. I lost that battle against myself, the times I was making good progress were defeated in the end by my anger at my confusion. I truly loved you with all my heart, and the love you showed me was so pure and unconditional and until I lost, we had the best relationship. The questions I kept asking myself had no answer, or at least I couldn't bare to answer them, I was scared, scared to come out. But you weren't, you had the answers to these questions and you wore them like a badge of honour while I hid them away. I always loved your passion. I hated myself, why couldn't I be like you why couldn't I face up to my identity I had to hide it, I had to hate myself, it became too much I had to redirect my hate. I followed some public figures I shouldnt have and they told me where my hate belonged, at you, not me, for I was not like you right? Wrong I was exactly like you I let my fear eat away at me and I was envious of your pride and determination. There were times when I won and we celebrated together, but in the end in a final bout of fury I condemned you and your identity. And after years of sculpting a life together, as partners it all came down, I tore it down all of it the hate I had directed at myself now faced you. I apologised but it was too late I began to hate myself again. Then one day I had a mission, to defeat this evil inside me. Like a sword was in my hand and stood up and pointed it defiantly to the stars. I became a champion of our cause, you never saw it, but that's fine I didn't do it for the recognition, I did it because it was the right thing to do. Nothing could attone for what I said to you. Maybe that's why I let people say it to me now, I punish myself by letting myself hear the things I said to you. After championing our cause I eventually defeated the evil inside myself and I returned to the person you fell in love with at the start. I came out to the world just as you had done before. I was ridiculed but that was my punishment, a burden I must bare for my sins. We haven't spoken in a long time, it saddens me that you won't know who I am now, that your last memories of me were a broken defeated husk of a human. I want you to be happy, I want you to live the best life. I want to fight for your right to do that, I only wish we could've fought along side each other like we used to. I will lead this cause to the end, for all of us. It's the least I can do.I will always love you, with all my Hart.