I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could tell you I think that you’re brave.You quit that cushy six-figure finance job because despite your nihilism, you always held out hope for something better. A fulfilling life. Throughout the eight years that I’ve known you, you’ve fallen on your face more than the average person not because you’re a failure, but because you take chances. You do the things so few other people would dare to do. You challenge authority, you open your big mouth, you stand out on ledges. I don’t know anyone else that would have walked away from the money you had. That’s what makes you so special. I really, really wish I could tell you. If only you’d listen.Last we talked, you bragged about your plan to leave everything behind. You were going to travel cross country to take care of your sick best friend and find something that didn’t make you feel imprisoned. You still had faith.If I had to guess, I’d say you were ashamed. I don’t think you want to tell me how it all fell apart. You quit the job, sure, but it turns out the universe let you fall on concrete and break your bones. Nothing saved you. A pandemic happened. Maybe your most recent ex asked you to stay. I know how much you loved her; you’d do anything she asked. But she’s moody, indecisive. She asked you to change your plans and then left again anyway. That’s just a guess. You guys never seem to permanently separate.I’m pretty sure I saw you driving an Uber the other day. I don’t think a stranger would have worked so hard to avoid my gaze. I know you think I’d judge you. I don’t blame you, I was so hard on you once. But I don’t. I think you’re so fucking brave. I just really wish I could tell you.I wish I could tell you that I know I broke you. That despite having gotten to you with a heartbreak already under your belt, there was still an innocence about you. A light in your eyes; an excitement to have found me. Your person. Or so you thought. Before I broke you.I was a ridiculous asshat with a raging princess complex. On top of that, I was raised by wolves. I was abused, I saw my parents (and step parents) beat each other, drink themselves to unconsciousness, right before they turned on me. I had no idea what normal people acted like; how people in love should treat each other. I’m older now, and while I’m still far from perfect, I can see the pain I put you through. I’ve always acted like you were the one who betrayed me because you fell out of love and left. I don’t blame you anymore.I know you’re down. I know you’re not exactly in the highlight of your life. But believe it or not, I’m so proud of you. You’ll be on top again, like you always manage to be, and you’ll find the love you’re so desperately searching for. I wish I could tell you, because I think it might just help heal you. To hear the person that made you question yourself—the person who made you think you were a piece of shit—tell you all of this. That they were wrong about you. That they wish they treated you better and hung onto you.At this point, I’m ashamed too. I can’t send another single unanswered text. I just can’t. I’m still human and my ego can’t take it. But I hope one day you reach out, even if only to yell at me, so that I can tell you.