Not sure about myself, what I'd been through, would like to talk to some other guys

I've never had same-sex attraction before but I was in a sexual relationship with another boy when I was 12 constantly until early 20's. It was all his idea and I just allowed him. I didn't really realize till I couldn't block it out of my mind anymore that I was just being abused. The thing that I'm struggling with is that it was an extremely intense thing that I figured up was about 5,000 hours of letting him use me as his personal fuck toy. I don't know why I did it and I know it had an effect on me. The way I think about sex is just mixed up, damaged. I became aware that, and it was really strange to think about, that I was sexually attracted to guys. I found it extremely disturbing, yet at times I was excited by it, the taboo aspect but more than that, just wanting to be wanted. It didn't make any sense because I wasn't in any way interested in guys. But the exhibitionist thing appealed to me, yet I don't even know why. I chatted with a girl who was raped when she was a young girl and how it affected her in the most unusual way. Instead of being happy and content in a normal relationship with a nice boy, she did have a very nice boy, young man, she wanted to be raped. It's crazy. She wrote about something that struck a chord with me, she said when it happened, when she was being raped, she was unable to resist, she termed it this way "I froze up" I tried to write about the same exact thing but I used the word paralyzed. In the very beginning, which runs over and over in my mind, he imposed his will upon me, I just didn't know what to say or do. I froze up, and I just let him. It was incredibly painful, yet I let him. When I began to get off track, like in sexual sin, mostly looking at porn, and exploring new wicked thoughts. I had a webcam and wanted, being very lonely, to chat. It took a while, from single chat rooms with girls, then when that quit working, couples rooms and when that quit working, the evil thought came to me (I think evil spirits put wicked ideas into all of our minds, like the little cartoon with a tiny devil speaking into one ear and a little angel on the other shoulder speaking into the other ear) to try the gay rooms. When I did I was swamped with requests to view me. So I became very addicted and was a "camguy" for quite a while. I watched an interview with a young girl who said she would stay up all night long sexting, desperate for attention. It was the same sort of thing, even if didn't make sense. I suppose we all want to be loved and wanted and when that need isn't met we are vulnerable to the various tricks of the enemy. Like doing drugs is a fake substitute for peace of mind.I wonder if it would be helpful to talk about these things with others who have somewhat related experiences.I wish there was someone I could talk to but there is no one. If I want to talk to normal people they could not relate to being abused and raped or in any way doing the things I'd done.and those people who are happy doing that can't relate to someone who has been through it and wants to talk about it.Sorry if I didn't write about it well, hard to talk about. Thanks