How do I get past denial? Need help, validation, and the ability to cry.

I’m getting to a point where I can’t deny it anymore. But denial is still there. I feel like it’s holding me back. I’m freaked the fuck out. Whenever I ask myself if this is really who I am I hear a voice say yes and I hear a voice say that there has to be another explanation.I know that there isn’t.Could someone look through my past posts? I’ve been looking through my posts on this account and my other account. Would a cis guy spend so long on this?I’ve asked myself if I’m just making this up. Some excuse to feel special in someway. Maybe the reason I feel dysphoria is because most trans people feel dysohria. And if I think I’m trans than I SHOULD feel dysphoria. Idk. But like, I can’t make up memories.I remember the years I spent wishing I could wake up turned into a girl or with the ability to shape shift which I would use to turn into a girl. I remember seeking out movies with gender swapping components and not understanding why they were supposed to be funny. I remember looking up SRS long before I realized trans people existed. I remember listening to feminization hypnosis, breast growth binaural tones, and downing handfuls of fennel seed because I read they had phytoestrogens in them and I knew that estrogen somehow equaled breast growth. I remember wishing I had a vagina and that it’d be cool if I had the ability to get pregnant. I remember, when talking to my now ex gf, accidentally calling myself her girlfriend.I remember so many things and it all scares the hell out of me.I feel like I’ve read every available resource. Every link and article that people regularly post here. I’m in therapy but it’s early and going slow. I’m sticking with it but I’m frustrated at my pace. I’m wearing women’s clothes whenever I can in private. I love the way my legs look in heels. I feel somehow more comfortable in a bralette. I tell myself, “I don’t understand why ain’t feel this way” but I think I do.My therapist suggested that to him it seems like maybe I’ve looked inside myself, found that I’m trans, and that I’m trying to cover it up. I’m afraid that this is who I am.What do I do?I need a hug. And a drink. And for someone to shake me until I admit that I’m trans. I’d cry if I could. But I can’t. I tried in the mirror and got nothing. What’s wrong it’s me.